A Bad Déjà vu…

My mom phoned me some time ago and said: “We have to talk.“. I knew that something was up. At that time I had no idea what, but my gut feeling said something bad. And I was right. Unfortunately.

This is why I became a frequent flyer (Malaga-Amsterdam). It wasn’t my own choice, but this is why I am in Amsterdam so much. Thing is. My mom has cancer. She is dying. We are taking as much time as we can to be there for her. Well. To be honest. Not at first. This was too much for me to handle. I being a chicken. I was too scared to talk about it. It stings. You know. This déjà vu is such a bad one. I have been there before. So yeah. It took me some time to give it a place. And I am still trying to become a better person. I have to, but this is just so freaking painful. So difficult. It’s my mom. I think that you know what I am trying to say here. Right?

Now. This Monday we entered a new stage. Another big one to freak out about. Her belongings need to be documented and labeled. Mom wants me to do that for her. Who gets what. God almighty. Like I do care. I don’t. I want my mom to be there for us. Her children, and our children. That however is not going to happen. Not for long anyway. That much we know already, but every day is one. I want to make the best of it. If that is even possible.

Well. Anyway. This all also means that I have to be a less frequent poster. I’m sure that you understand this. Hey. No drama. Just real-life that sucks. Sometimes. Thank you for your understanding.



22 thoughts on “A Bad Déjà vu…

  1. Hey man, I feel you. Life is no joke, from dust we came and to it we shall all return. Something that personally helped me face a lot of pain is Psilocybin (found in magic mushrooms and truffles). Amsterdam is great for that, you can directly get them it in smart shops. The term Hallucinogen is misleading, a better term is Visionary. You can take a medium dose, relaxed at home, preferably at night, on your bed or a couch you life, with some meditation music. What this will do is shift your consciousness to a deeply introspective state and allow you to understand a lot of things. In Hackintosh terms, it like accessing the DSDT tables of your consciousness bro. There are tons of medical studies showing how it helps cancer patients in accepting death… More info about this here https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/01/health/hallucinogenic-mushrooms-psilocybin-cancer-anxiety-depression.html and finally, here is a guide to take this medicine safely http://howtousepsychedelics.org/mushrooms/

  2. Hallo Pike,

    I feel your pain. Two years has passed since we lost our mom. Be strong and brave, do whatever you can to make last part of her life easier. I would like to offer you help. If I can help you in any way, I will not hesitate.

  3. Sorry to hear that about your mom. Thank you for taking the time to explain that to us. We all appreciate your contribution to this community. Be strong. Life sucks and there is nothing we can do about. Best wishes for you and your family

  4. Yes, this is life, I lost my father half an year ago, got ill and past to the other world in about a month, not cancer something stranger. If modern medicine cannot help any more maybe you should try alternatives … there is more behind the cancer … I don’t want to intrude I just thought maybe it helps …

  5. We love you Pike. Keep your head up brother. There is a whole community of people that will be sending nothing but love and positive energy to you and your family, myself included.

  6. Best of luck pike I lost my mum 12 years ago, be there for her while she is still there (she is still alive this is great!) take your kids, tell each other stories, love each other, be a happy family.

    Best, Ben

  7. I am wishing you and your family all the very best through these difficult times, Piker. I want to thank you once again for your recent assistance on NVMe. I have experienced my proper share of personal loss, and I can only resonate with what you may be going through.

  8. I remember reading on your blog that your mom basically saved your life when you had that aneurysm case. Now that’s the attitude and nerves of steel that get my utmost respect. I don’t know why I remembered that, but it’s one of those things that cannot be unlearned, I guess.

    Also, while you think you’re a chicken, and you don’t know why she wants you to do things, I think your mom knows you better than you yourself do. Parents are like that. They often know more than they are willing to tell you straight. I think there is a reason she asked you.

    Now man up, you have memories to share with her — I bet some of them are quite good.

  9. Hello Pike, I’m really sorry to hear that, it is heart breaking really, I always think about my mom when I hear this, I may have something I want you to try to heal her. I will talk in private. I’ll be praying God answers that prayer. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you positive thoughts today.

  10. Postive thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I lost my father to cancer as well, but they told him he had only 2 years, but he fought hard and made to 6 years. Stay positive and hope things improve.

  11. Pike, I know from personal experience that what you are going through is very hard, VERY HARD.
    Here is a little advice I got from my mom that if you could allow me I wish to share with you:
    – Primero es lo primero.
    Don’t worry about the things that can wait. They can wait.
    I hope that everything goes as smoothly as it can (and should).
    Best regards.

  12. My mom passed of cancer almost 40 years ago. I was in the US, she was in Africa. I made it out there. But my dad wanted to hide that it was terminal. We were not able to talk at what really mattered to her.
    Be with her, talk with her, hug her – let it flow! it is ok to be scared or sad. But we have to accept it as we do birth. We are all equal in this from the tiniest bug and the wealthiest man to us.
    I am older now, almost died of the big C myself. We all will go.
    All that matters is our time close together. Spend every minute you can and be present.
    And be brave, it is all part oft the scheme of things…

  13. My father in law died almost two years ago this May. I’m terribly sorry for the grief and sadness that you are going through. Be kind to yourself and let the people you love help you though this time.

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